"I'm what the world considers to be a phenomenally successful man. And I've failed much more than I've succeeded. And each time I fail, I get my people together, and I say, "Where are we going?" And it starts to get better." - Calvin Trager
Tuesday, April 20, 2004 Whoever named it the "terrible TWOs" needed to check their calendar
The truth must be told:
My lovely, adorable, laid-back son, Hayden is a holy terror! And, as we learned with Schroedter, this metamorphasis takes place not on his second birthday but sometime around 18-19 months.
A primer on how to be Hayden:
The "I'm hungry ... NOT" game Object of game: Drive Daddy insane.
How to play: Ask to get in your feeding chair and once you're in, reach toward pantry/refrigerator clenching and unclenching hands and making "Uhh.. Uhh" sound. As Daddy goes through every item in both pantry and refrigerator and holds it out to you saying "do you want this?" convulsively shake whole body as if just offered a cup of cockroach poop. Continue to reach and grunt with increasing urgency until Daddy takes you out of chair, brings you over to food and asks you to point at what you want. Point at yogurt. Get excited when Daddy picks up yogurt and hands it to you. Wait until you are back in chair with opened yogurt and spoon on tray to repeat convulsion and push yogurt onto floor. (Alternate version - ask for peanut butter sandwich, after Daddy makes it, cuts it into quarters & puts it on tray ... feed to dog).
The "All Done" game Object of game: Make greatest combination of loud noise/big mess
How to play: After eating whatever amounts of various foods on your tray, scream "ALL DONE!!!" and throw food off tray onto floor. Extra points for milk bottle hitting dishwasher. Reminder: Feeding dog always more fun than feeding self.
The "Journey through the Forbidden Zones" game Object of game: In as rapid succession as possibile, travel to areas of house where likelihood of damage to self, others and house itself is greatest.
How to play: Begin in downstairs bathroom (no toilet seat lock because of brother). Climb toilet seat, turn on sink faucets and stick brother's toothbrush in mouth. When dad comes in to get you down, scream briefly, then while he is rinsing off toothbrush, turn on hot water faucet for bathtub. When dad moves to turn it off, move back to toilet, raise lid and stick arm as far into toilet as possible. Scream when arm removed. While hand being washed, use other hand to turn faucets on full blast splashing water all over everyone and everything. Drag towel out of bathroom when leaving. Move to next zone as quickly as possible.
*Stove - do various combinations of opening oven/turning oven on/turning gas burners on/playing with stove & oven lights.
*Dishwasher - Turn dial around and around. Open dishwasher and climb onto door, bouncing as much as possible to try to cause springs to break. Push carts back and forth. Play with silverware.
*Lower kitchen cabinets -- take pots out of lazy susan that make the largest noise. Bang together loudly. Distribute throughout house.
*Dining room/living room cabinets (old cabinets, baby locks don't fit) - take out anything glass and carry around house. Take out wine bottles and arrange on floor. Extra points for carrying bottle of Jamieson's Irish whisky to dog dish.
*Floor air vents -- remove vent covers and distribute throughout house. Find common household objects to drop in vent holes.
*Dog water dish -- swirl hand in, licking hand occasionally. Once bored, empty dish on self.
*Hall phone -- pull cord so phone falls out of nook and onto floor/own head. Cry briefly before moving on to next zone.
*Dad's bedside table -- Reset Dad's alarm to 3:24 am and turn volume up to full. Turn answering machine volume up to full and re-record greeting substituting intelligible directions with baby babble. Drool on Desmond Tutu's picture on book cover.
Invent other zones as needed.
Extra points for making it to the basement fireplace without being detected.
IMPORTANT -- When Daddy is about to completely lose his cool and put you in your crib for 3 hours, sneak up behind him, throw arms around his legs, give big hug and look up at him with big, cute smile. Dad is a complete sucker and this will buy you 90 more minutes of mischief, easy.
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If it wakes up to what's really going on in the rest
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it will be irrelevant."